My old review was a bit of an incoherent mess, so I've fixed it up, and also FIXED THE PREQUELS. You're welcome! Okay, so there are things about the prequels I hate that others seemed to like, and vice versa, so all I can say is I've fixed the prequels to my taste. Okay, here we go!
We'll start with the things I liked.
The Good
Qui-Gon Jinn
Okay, so I did mention in my other post that I enjoyed Episode I. It was good. I especially loved Qui-Gon, he's just such a wholesome character, probably my favourite Jedi. I really like the idea of a chaotic good Jedi.
The Memes
I really only watched it for the memes.
The World-Building
I loved how much more fleshed out the Star Wars universe became. Even if others didn't like the politics, I really loved that side of it. A big complaint I had about the OT was that we didn't get to see what life was like for those living under the Empire (remember, Tatooine was ruled by the Hutts, the Empire hadn't bothered with it just yet). So for me, the world-building of the prequels really brought the whole galaxy to life. It's still stupid that every planet only has one biome (Tatooine = all desert, Hoth = all tundra, Naboo = all beautiful temperate forest, Dagobah = all swamp, etc etc), and though it does bug me that they all have Earth-gravity, I do get the limitations of filming, so I'll give them a pass on the gravity issue.
Now onto the things I didn't like. Plus, I'm fixing them to make them more appealing to me. For the record, this is not the same as my alternate universe headcanon, which uses Episode IV's original plot as a starting point. This is just my fix for the official canon prequels. Now really, buckle up, it's a long ride!
The Bad
The Slapstick
Let's get this one out of the way quickly. I have no problem with Jar Jar the character. In fact, when you factor in that he's a secret Sith Lord, he gets even better.
No, what I dislike is the stupid slapstick they assigned him. It was dumb, it was unnecessary and it's just out-of-place in Star Wars.
Especially in the Battle of Naboo, having Jar Jar falling over and all that nonsense was so inappropriate. Humour in Star Wars needs to be more understated. Han's snarky comments, Threepio's neurotic behaviour and Artoo trolling Threepio was just the right level of humour.
There was no need for just-for-kids characters to get kids interested. R2D2 was sufficient as a kid-friendly character, the Ewoks, too. But kids don't need a character to get their tongue electrocuted or smell a fart, to stay engaged in the films.
And given that my niece loves the OT more than Frozen shows that more over-the-top humour isn't needed to keep kids interested. Sure, she thought Jar Jar was funny, because she's 4 after all, but she would have liked it just as much without the silliness (actually, RotS is her favourite from the prequels -- at least the bits I allowed her to watch. She insisted on inviting herself to my room, even though I told her it's rated 12. What can I say, my niece loves her Star Wars).
Now that's out of the way, let's move on.
Padmé's Age
Padmé's being elected queen of a whole planet at 14 seemed incredibly silly. I don't care how mature and wise she was, being in charge of a whole planet at that age -- a whole freaking planet, not just some small principality -- isn't believable. She just wouldn't have the maturity and life experience for that, unless she was merely a powerless figurehead, with other people pulling her strings behind her back, which is more realistically what would happen.
I would have her aged up to 18 or 19 in Episode I, and her youth as queen being an exception, rather than the rule. Her mother could have also served two terms as queen, doing an exceptional job, bringing Naboo to a new golden age, and trained Padmé all her life to be just as competent as she was, resulting in Padmé being elected on the back of her mother's legacy. That would make more sense to me.
Midichlorians
Midichlorians are just dumb.
In the OT, the Force was a mystical energy surrounding and binding together life forms, and that's all it needed to be. Experienced Force-users could just sense others' Force-sensitivity, they wouldn't do blood tests to see how many midichlorians they have. I would do away with them entirely, and let the Force just be the mystical energy it originally was.
Kid Anakin
Now I don't have a problem with kid Anakin per se, even though it would seem a lot of others do. I thought the actor did a fine job, and Anakin was definitely at his most likeable in Episode I. He was a sweet kid who did his best for his mother, and always tried to help others, even at his own personal cost. The problem I have with kid Anakin is that his story just wasn't necessary.
By labelling A New Hope as Episode IV, Lucas boxed himself into completing Anakin's backstory in three episodes, and by including kid Anakin, Anakin's fall to the dark side had to be completed in just two episodes, resulting in it being rushed and unconvincing.
I would have put Anakin at 16 in Episode I. He would have quite a lot of podracing experience by then, and his victory would have been way more convincing than going from an unbroken streak of DNFs straight to winning first place.
The Virgin Birth
I didn't like this idea at all. It's cheesy and over-the-top. I would have Anakin's father himself being very Force-sensitive. Maybe he managed to learn a few low-level abilities by himself: a little bit of Force-telekinesis, maybe a few visions here and there, but Tatooine being outside the jurisdiction of the Jedi, he never got the chance to join.
Anakin inherited his father's Force-sensitivity, but as his father died when Anakin was only three, he wasn't able to develop his Force-powers. Shmi never tells Anakin about his father's abilities, preferring to shelter him in an attempt to protect him from getting himself killed in some Jedi mission.
When Anakin's father dies, the family is plunged into further poverty, as Anakin's father was the breadwinner (no slavery this time). Shmi earns some money as a seamstress, but it's a poorly paid job, and when Anakin is nine, he gets a job as an apprentice mechanic with Watto, where he learns about podracing.
Anakin unconsciously uses his Force-abilities when podracing, using his ability to see a few seconds in the future to help him. Qui-Gon watches him during a practice run, and realises Anakin is Force-sensitive. However, his abilities being so unrefined, sometimes Anakin gets overwhelmed or confused, resulting in him never actually winning. Although he occasionally places high, he frequently makes silly mistakes, costing him the win.
Qui-Gon spends a couple of days teaching Anakin to hone his abilities, to learn to trust his instincts. Anakin then wins his first podrace. Qui-Gon then tells Shmi that Anakin is Force-sensitive, and shows great promise. Shmi is reluctant to let him go, but Anakin is ecstatic when he finds out Qui-Gon wants to take him to train as a Jedi. Padmé offers Shmi an allowance to make up for losing Anakin's income from his mechanic job. Seeing Anakin's joy at being offered the chance to be a Jedi and knowing this may be her son's only chance at leaving a life of poverty, Shmi gives in, and Anakin goes to Coruscant.
I can't remember if this was EU-only or mentioned in the prequels, but there is no kidnapping in my version. Parents (with their kids' consent) make the choice to send their kids to the Jedi Academy. While the Jedi may inform a parent that their kid is Force-sensitive and offer the child a place at the Academy, the kids are never taken against their parents' will.
The Ugly
The Love Story
Most unconvincing love story ever.
Anakin was creepy as hell. I honestly felt grossed out at the way he was coming on to Padmé. He sounded so predatory at one point. And Padmé, for real. This is a woman who was so wise and mature that she was elected queen of a whole freaking planet at the age of 14, yet she is impressed by this whiny brat and his "I'm a big boy now", and his "It's not fair, grown ups are MEAN!" and his "I had a crush on you when I was 9, MY LOVE IS SO DEEP."
Sorry, but all this would have to go.
Since we're starting with Anakin at 16 and Padmé at 19, being close in age, they would become good friends in Episode I. They could bond over losing their fathers at a young age, and having to grow up more quickly than the other kids. At the end, they make a promise to keep in touch.
Over the course of Episode II, we'd see their friendship strengthen even more. Padmé is now 25, and Anakin is 22. There are no romantic feelings at this stage. However, as they end up in one dangerous situation after another, they get emotionally closer. Soon, they start feeling a mutual attraction. Padmé is now a senator, and she takes her duty very seriously. She can't allow herself to get distracted by romance, and so pushes her feelings to the side.
Likewise, Anakin starts finding himself thinking about Padmé more and more, but he too takes his duties seriously, and suppresses his feelings. Jedi aren't forbidden from marrying, but any Jedi who has to split his commitments between the Order and a family will never progress far, and will likely suffer the Jedi equivalent of being a desk jockey. Anakin has always been told that the Force is strong with him, that he has the potential to be the best Jedi of his generation, and he doesn't want to throw away that chance.
We'll see scenes of the two having a moment, where we can see a genuine, deep emotional connection between them, and occasionally it looks like one of them will confess their love, but it never amounts to anything... until they're due to be executed on Geonosis.
At this point, they are both sure they will die. Since they feel they have nothing left to lose, they finally confess their love, and express regret that they will only have a short few minutes together as lovers before they're killed.
Of course, they both survive the execution attempt, and this leaves them with a dilemma. Do they deny that tender moment ever happened, or is it too late, and they should just go with it? Anakin wants to have it all, and so compromises by asking Padmé to keep their relationship secret. The episode ends with Anakin and Padmé marrying in secret.
Anakin's Fall to the Dark Side
I felt this was just way too rushed. He goes from wanting to do the right thing to youngling-slaying in a second.
The whining needs to go. I couldn't stand Anakin from Episode II onwards, because that level of whining is just unbearable. How did he get more whiny as a 19 year old than as a 9 year old? Way to ruin a character as cool as Darth Vader, Lucas!
So let's change things. We'll keep the visions of Shmi dying, and the later visions of Padmé dying. Throughout Episodes II and III, we'll see numerous incidents where Anakin could have saved the day if only he'd been more powerful. The one that hit him most was not being able to save his mother. So his weakness becomes a big sticking point for him. Then he has the visions of Padmé dying in childbirth.
Palpatine engineers for Anakin to "accidentally" come across some Dark Side knowledge, disguised as Jedi teachings. A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one. Anakin learns about Darth Plagueis the Wise and his ability to cheat death, not directly from Palpatine's mouth (sorry!), but through a tome supposedly written by a Jedi, but in fact just another part of Palpy's machinations. Anakin keeps this to himself, and thinks a little dabbling in the Dark Side won't hurt anyone. He knows how far to go, and will only learn what is necessary to protect Padmé from dying.
Palpatine pretends to accidentally "find out" what Anakin is up to, then confesses that he himself has dabbled in Dark Side abilities, but only for the greater good, of course. He divulges confidentially that even Mace Windu himself has made use of Dark Side abilities, why else did Anakin think Windu was so powerful? The Jedi just don't want anyone to learn about the Dark Side as they're worried it'll damage the status quo, and could lead to a new Jedi order overthrowing the current one, but Palps knows from experience that the Dark Side can be a power for good if used correctly. But of course, it's important that one knows what one is doing, and so Palps agrees to teach Anakin what he knows, and plays him like a cheap pianola.
All this time, Anakin thinks he is in control. Like a student thinking they can take drugs to help them study, and they'll stay in control and can quit whenever they want to, Anakin starts to dabble in the Dark Side, but before he knows it, like an addict, slowly, slowly, it's consumed him. He is too far gone to go back.
We see him now no longer grappling with his conscience, rather he lets his basest emotions control him. Palpatine is then revealed as the Sith Lord, and seeing Mace Windu about to slay Palpatine, and knowing he is about to lose his last chance to learn the abilities that will save Padmé, he goes for Windu in a violent rage. Now he can think of nothing but protecting Palpatine, not because of any allegiance to him, not because of any sentimentality, but because Palpatine has not yet taught him the secret to cheating death, and nothing must stand in his way of learning that. His fall to evil is complete, and now he feels no qualms about slaying his former comrades.
On Mustafar, Padmé has arrived with a small battalion of her troops. Despite being heavily pregnant, she accompanies them to the confrontation with her husband. Padmé tells Anakin that it's not too late, he can return to Coruscant and be held accountable for his crimes, and at least their child will get to know its father. Anakin refuses. He says he did all this for her, and when his plans are complete, they can rule the Galaxy together.
Padmé doesn't recognise Anakin anymore, and she says she would rather be widowed than have such a monster for a husband. She gives Anakin one last chance to surrender. She begs him to return to being the man she fell in love with, a man their child would be proud to have as a father.
But her pleas fall on deaf ears. Anakin is just too far gone. Her heart shattering into a thousand pieces, she tells Anakin he leaves her with no choice, and orders her troops to attack. As expected, Anakin slaughters her fighters like so many helpless younglings, and Padmé is seriously hurt in the melée. As she lays unconscious, bleeding on the ground, Obi-Wan arrives. While Obi-Wan battles his former padawan, Padmé's first officer is still on board her starship. She takes Padmé back to the ship where she can administer first aid, but Padmé's injuries are severe, and it's uncertain if she'll even survive the journey back to Naboo.
Padmé's Death
Padmé dying of sadness was dumb. Yes I know it happens in real life, but every account I've heard of is about elderly couples who've been together decades, where after one dies, the surviving partner just seems to give up on life and pass away too.
Honestly, a more convincing death would have been for Anakin's force choke to have caused some physical damage through oxygen deprivation, combined with the stress of going into labour (I'm not a doctor, but there must be some medical explanation that would work), meaning it was Anakin who killed her after all. "My Ani's turned bad, I have nothing left to live for, not even my two newborns who will surely be in danger now that their dad has turned evil" is such a crap excuse to die. So let's fix this, too.
Back on Naboo, Padmé drifts in and out of consciousness, but giving birth was just too much strain for her already injured body. Her last wish is that one day, her children can know Anakin as the noble Jedi he used to be, as she knows there is still good in him, the old Anakin is still there, somewhere. She dies shortly after, leaving Obi-Wan to take care of her children.
What did you think? Did you like my changes, or did you prefer the prequels as they were?