I'm 6 sessions into my anxiety CBT and I feel like I've made no progress. My therapist said she doesn't know anything about autism and she's not here for that. She also dismissed my social difficulties as "overthinking". Unlike my phobia CBT, where I was making visible progress each session, I feel like I've made none with this therapist. I'm starting to realise that CBT is maybe not the right approach for what I used to describe as anxiety, but might be better described as "overwhelm".

In search an article explaining autistic anxiety, I found this brill article by Dr Megan Neff. Continue reading →

Gaslighting is a specific term. It’s a technique where the gaslighter manipulates events in a way that makes their victim start to question their own perception of reality and memories, leading to them questioning their sanity. The word comes from the play that later coined the term.

You know how HEPA filters get so filthy, so quickly? Techie Uncle saw my air filter and told me that I was wasting money, and kitchen roll is just as good. So I replaced the old filter with a layer of kitchen roll, but it was sooooo loud, and the fan is so weak anyway, it just didn’t seem worth it, so I packed it up again. When I can start spending freely again, I’ll just find a regular square fan, like this dude.

But one area it does seem to be working well is in my vacuum. The old HEPA filter was so clogged up with feathers and dust bunnies and clay dust from a project I filmed last year and still haven’t finished editing.

This is after washing

All I did was add a sheet of good old cheap Wilko kitchen roll over the new HEPA filter.

Do you know what one of the biggest causes of micro-plastic in the ocean is? It’s shedding from synthetic fibres. I’m so fed up of seeing brands promoting their “recycled from plastic bottles! Saving the ocean one bottle at a time!” policy as something good.

All you’re doing is replacing large bits of plastic with tiny bits that will be ingested and inhaled by all sea creatures.

Hemp mylk is gross, but the rest is cool!

I'm just letting off some steam. Being stuck in the house all day with a couple of hardcore anti-vaxxers is doing my head in. Apart from the bonus, these are all things I've heard them parrot. Is there a vaccine against stupidity?

(Updated now I actually know how bingo works lol)

There was this guy on the radio a few weeks ago talking about a study he did into metabolism. So we're always told that to lose weight, we should eat less and exercise more, but according to his study, humans will burn the same amount of calories regardless of how much activity we do; you can run for an hour every day, or sit on your butt all day and you'll still burn the same amount. This is so disheartening. On the other hand, it made me look at the amount of calories I'm consuming. I have a massive weakness for crisps. I could easily eat a six pack in one sitting. At one stage in my life, I actually used to do so on a regular basis. Then I realised how ridiculous that was, and restricted myself to no more than two a day, which I mostly stuck to. And, oh boy, did the weight fall off. I was worried I would just waste away, but after a while it did stabilise.

After learning this fun new fact about metabolism, I started looking at the fat content of crisps, and it's a whopping Continue reading →

Please read through this site. It's obvious the government is putting protecting its rich mates above protecting the population. Know your rights!

Section 44. provides employees with the means to contest the adequacy and/or suitability of safety arrangements without fear of recriminations (e.g. getting sacked or transferred) or suffering detriment (e.g. loss of wages).

Section 44. provides employees with the 'right' to withdraw from and to refuse to return to a workplace that is unsafe. Employees are entitled to remain away from the workplace (e.g. stay at home) if – in their opinion – the prevailing circumstances represent a real risk of serious and imminent danger which they could not be expected to avert.

Section 44. entitles employees to claim for 'Constructive Dismissal' and (unlimited) compensation in the event that an employer fails to maintain safe working conditions.

https://section44.co.uk/

I feel a little bit disillusioned with Rudy Simone. Aspergirls was my absolute favourite Aspie resource, for the first time I'd found every single "you're such a weirdo/freak/shame on the family" moment I'd had explained, understood and accepted. For the first time I found people who really really knew what it was like for me, to know that I wasn't just a weirdo/freak/shame on the family, but there was a reason for my being a misfit, and it wasn't my fault. This book was like the best friend I never had.

But after Rudy Simone's "I'm not Aspie anymore" speech it feels a little disingenuous.

Having said that, I still really do recommend the book. It helped me in so many ways.

First up, I want to make this bit clear: I don't have a problem with her statement that "I truly don't feel autistic anymore".

After a few years of reading through Aspie forums, I've read of many people reaching adulthood feeling like they wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis anymore. If you've been reading my posts on Asperger's on here, you'll see that I also feel like I might not even be obviously Aspie enough to qualify for one anymore. For me, Asperger's = negative. So now I've managed to reduce the severity of the negative aspects by changing my diet, I do kind of feel like I'm going native. But I know that however much I may present as "normal", and however well I've learned to navigate this NT world, inside I still think like an Aspie, I still stim like an Aspie, I still loathe uninvited touch like as Aspie, I still have aversions like an Aspie, I still get stuck on social situations I havn't rehearsed for like as Aspie, I still see things from an Aspie point of view (and don't see the things NT do).

But anyway, she says later:

You're bound to have heard this one:

They say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

The ever-elusive "they"! But is it really? You see, for me, talking to myself is the only way I can effectively interact with the outside world.

Verbal communication does not come naturally to me. My way of thinking is primarily visual and abstract. If I don't rehearse what I need to say before-hand, all that will come out is a jumbled mixture of sounds and random syllables. So what I spend a lot of time doing is something called "scripting". Although this is different from the echolalia-type scripting, which I will talk about later.

If you were to be creepy and place a spy-cam in my room, a good deal of the time you would see me, sitting on the bed, doing what appears to be talking to imaginary friends. What I'm doing, then, is practising how to talk.

I'm actually enjoying reading through the Musings of an Aspie site. So looking through the Take a Test archives, I saw the post about the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test. And I can never resist a quiz. What's surprising is my score:

40(fear) + 44(avoidance) = 84 You have severe social phobia

Umm, I'm pretty sure I'd have known by now if I had severe social phobia?? I'm looking through my answers and they seem as accurate as they can be. But honestly, I don't think this fits. Having said that, it's taken me 13 years to pluck up the courage to finally book an appointment with the dentist, and even that was nerve-racking. Not because I'm scared of the actual treatment -- ha! Now I'm over 18 they can't do anything to me without my permission -- the scary thing was actually booking the appointment in the first place.

(Edit: I have actually since been diagnosed as Anxiety Disorder NOS, because lazy doctor is lazy. Or rather, stingy. But I definitely don't qualify for Social Anxiety.)

I just did this one as well:

The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale-Revised