I used to be a big Naruto fan. I used to watch the anime, and my gosh, the flashbacks, the monologues, and the pointless explanations of what just happened, and then another character explaining what just happened again in case we forgot in those last 5 seconds. Holy carp. [Edit: Naruto Kai is a thing, but even with all the filler and padding removed, it still drags.] I got through some of Shippuden, and I then went on to the manga because the dubs were taking too long, but I didn't get all that far.

Anyway, I got a little fed up, because it seemed every story followed the same formula of: baddie does bad guy stuff, Naruto gives a pep talk, bad guy decides to be good. This must be where Dhar Mann got his formula from.

So I was watching Abridged recently, and it made me curious about what actually happened in canon, so I decided to start reading the manga from the beginning, because ain't no one got time for those flashbacks, yo. And boy, did I forget just how bad of a character Sakura is. I'm not just talking about her general uselessness throughout Part 1. Her whole character sucks. She is literally a terribly written character, and an awful role model for girls. Kishimoto writes females badly in general, but he really messed up with Sakura.

And I don't for one minute buy the excuse that he's "bad at writing good female characters". What a cop out. What an absolutely lazy, pathetic excuse for a cop out.

I've seen reports that he even said he didn't bother to improve Sakura as a character because the fans hated her anyway, and if that's true then feck off, Kishimoto. You don't get to blame the fans for your crappy writing.

Here's how you do it: write a good character. Make them female. That's it. That's all you have to do.

If Itachi and Sasuke were sisters, their character arcs would still be the same. Genderswap Naruto, Kakashi, Neji, any male character at all, and nothing would change but their appearance. They would still be well developed characters. So why can't he do the same for the female characters? Because I think in Kishimoto's mind, females are less than males. That's what I think anyway.

Kishimoto's guiding principle on writing female characters.

And Sakura is where he failed the most. As one of the main characters, she should be a well developed, likeable character. She should have an arc of her own, her own trials she needs to overcome, her own demons she needs to defeat. Instead, her whole existence, her entire reason for being is her freakin' unhealthy obsession with Sasuke.

I mean, this is how she defines herself! When Kakashi asks his team to describe themselves, Naruto states his love of ramen, and his goal of being Hokage. Sasuke does his emo thing, and also he wants to avenge his clan's slaughter and restore it. And Sakura? Her whole existence is just "Sasuke + Sakura = twu wuv!!"

(As always, read manga right to left.)

I have no problem with Sakura being attracted to Sasuke. That's not the issue. The problem is that that is all she distills down to. Her unhealthy obsession. She is a qualified genin, and yet her lust is a bigger priority than her duty as a ninja. I don't know if it's ever been stated canonically, but at this point, I'm pretty sure she is only a ninja because it makes it easier to stalk Sasuke.

How did she even qualify as a genin?

This is what baffles me so much, because she is clearly too emotionally immature to be a warrior.

Exhibit A:

Keep giving her that death stare, Sasuke.

Right here, right freakin' here we see that she cares more about stalking Sasuke than being a ninja.

How does someone with this attitude manage to graduate the academy? She literally just encouraged Sasuke to give up so she could stalk him for another year.

Let's look at the parallels with Jedi padawans, as we see in the prequels that children can qualify as Jedi knights. In Episode V, Yoda makes a point to Luke that there's more to being a Jedi than physical skill. He berates Luke for having the wrong attitude, and that he is not ready to be a Jedi yet. Luke is too quick to give up ("Always with you, it cannot be done."), he is too impatient.

Being a warrior, whether Jedi or ninja, is just as much about mental strength and attitude as it is about skill. You have to have the right self-discipline, the right mindset to go with the combat skills. Sakura doesn't have this. Time and time again, she shows us that her obsessive lust for Sasuke is her driving force behind everything she does. The mission, the village, her other comrades, these are all secondary. How, how, how did anyone think, "Yep, she's good to be a ninja"?! Just how?

Sidenote: Konoha's ninja academy sucks

At this point, we should already know that the academy sucks. Because Naruto, despite having graduated, still has to have the basics of chakra explained to him. That's like Luke not finding out what the Force is until Episode VI. Like, it's literally one of the first things that Ben teaches Luke, because the Force is how he uses his Jedi skills, in the same way that ninja use chakra to perform their ninja skills. What the hell even is this? How did he even get this far not knowing what chakra is?

And he doesn't even know what the Chuunin Exams are? Despite the fact that the last round is a public event with thousands of spectators? Like for real? That's like getting all the way to Year 11 and not knowing what GCSEs are until the day before you sit your first exam. Yes, I get that they need to do the exposition thing, but having the main character not know these basic things really gives the impression that the academy is like one of those fake colleges that are just there to help people get student visas.

I mean freakin' Konohamaru's gang was there! Why not have it explained to one of them instead of Naruto?

Also, #konohaisdumbyo. This is basically inviting another nation's troops into your country. You do not do that unless you are sure they can be trusted. The village hasn't been around long enough to establish that level of trust. Hokage getting senile, yo.

Back to Sakura sucks...

This is twice that Kakashi has commented on it.

It's a shame you never thought to have a word to her about it, Sensei. He deserves some flak, too. He needs to take part of the blame for Sakura's failures. It's his job to mentor her and guide her. Instead he enables her immaturity and does nothing to level up her already dismal skills. (He also has to take some of the blame for Sasuke defecting, but that's another story.) Honestly, Kakashi should have sent her back to the academy.

And you know she would have then dropped out, as she can't be indoors studying while ♥Sasuke-kun♥ is out there, possibly talking to other girls, amirite? She'd have to contrive a new way to stalk him.

And her obsession is based on nothing more than she thinks he's hot. There's no emotional bond, no connection, nothing to show that this is anything other than lust. Sasuke tells her she's annoying, gives her death stares, tells her she's useless, but we are meant to buy that this is TRUE LOVE™. Feck off, Kishimoto.

Yes! You tell her!

GO IT, SASUKE! THAT'S MY BOY!

Sakura is just an awful person in general

Part 1 Sasuke is awesome (at least pre-Tsunade. He was just plain annoying after that) for the main reason that he's the only one who puts Sakura in her place. Shame it has no effect on her.

Sakura fans will make the excuse that she is just a kid, but again, she is a qualified ninja. You would expect a level of maturity from her. She is expected to do all kinds of missions, possibly having to deal with people who have lost family members and undergone trauma. She might have to negotiate with enemies. She should know tact and decorum. And 12 years old is definitely old enough to know you don't insult someone for being an orphan. I knew by the age of 7 at the oldest that you should sympathise with a child who lost a parent, not make fun of them. There's no excuse for what she said. She is just an awful person. It's not defensible. If you think what she said is acceptable, then you need to take a long hard look at your moral compass.

She has this moment straight after...

... but it comes to nothing.

Sakura literally dumped her best friend, that same best friend who taught her to be confident in herself, who brought her out of her shell and befriended her when others teased her... she dumped that best friend because she had a crush on the same boy. Like, I can't even. Sisters before misters, Sakura, you pathetic excuse for a human. If Sakura was dating Sasuke and Ino made a play for him, fair enough. But they literally both just fancied the same boy, who wasn't into either of them.

Sakura sucks.

Ino always had that girl's back, and this is how Sakura repays the friendship. "You have a crush on the same boy as me. BYE!" Seriously, feck off, Sakura. Can you imagine if Tazuna had a 12 year old granddaughter who got a crush on Sasuke? "I'm going to kill the client's granddaughter, because it stands in the way of my TRUE LOVE™ SHANNAROOOOO!"

Even in the Chuunin Exam prelims, she still shows that she has Sasuke on the brain.

Yeah, she was riling her up, but why bring up freakin' Sasuke? Because the dumb bint projects her own obsession onto Ino, and can't go more than five minutes without saying his name. Ino, that is the correct reaction. "WTF is she on about?!" indeed.

The mileage in this panel is infinite.

Sakura is useless

Heh, even Tazuna knows it!

Throw that shade, Tazuna!

Yes.

Her uselessness throughout Part 1 is manifest, so I don't even need to go over it. But also, I think her uselessness is right down the bottom of the list of why she is such a bad character. Tenten barely did anything in Part 1, but no one hates her for it.

"Well if you're so clever," I hear the Sakura fans whine, "why don't you write a better version?"

Well, yes. Yes, that's exactly what I have done. Part 2 - The Actual Fix.